


you were my wish

by cazrhys



Category: A Court of Thorns and Roses Series - Sarah J. Maas
Genre: Cheating, F/M, Forbidden Love, Implied/Referenced Abuse, Pregnancy, but beron deserved it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-27
Updated: 2020-12-27
Packaged: 2021-03-10 18:21:00
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 997
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28361589
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cazrhys/pseuds/cazrhys
Summary: Let it be known; Helion loved her
Relationships: Helion/The Lady of the Autumn Court (ACoTaR)
Comments: 2
Kudos: 20





	you were my wish

Allison thinks she can spend all her nights in his arms. She _wants_ to. Beron had never been gentle with her nor had he managed to make her heart skip the way Helion had. She can remember their last night clearly — Beron had been getting suspicious, one of his slimy informants telling him of the Lady's whereabouts. She'd known it was ending soon.

She didn't know how soon.

In the end, she can only remember how it was. How unless she wants her unborn child to suffer, she can never return to Helion. Beron would ruin them all before he let her find an ounce of happiness. Not after she shamed him so.

While Allison wilts away, the memories and her children — Lucien, the _light_ of her life, especially — keep her alive. Her sons, Julius and Lyall, take after their father. It hurts her more than anything Beron could do. She tries to shape them in little ways. Eris, _thankfully_ , takes after her enough that she doesn't worry for him. Lucien, though... Beron knows. Or he suspects. She thanks the Mother each night for giving him her fire-red hair and her features. Only she can see Helion in him. In his nose and mouth.

Allison and Helion were doomed from the start. She can remember how Helion had taken her to the outskirts of the Dawn Court. Julius had just been born. Her third. She hadn't known she could love something so much before them. Beron had taken the children to his relatives, refusing her to allow her to come. She'd, somehow, managed to find her way to Helion.

He stands on the balcony, radiating sunlight. Allison wasn't used to warmth — personality or weather-wise — and Helion _knows_ it. Allison smiles at him, taking his outstretched hand as he pulls her into the sun. "I wish I could stay here forever," She murmurs. She _hates_ how afraid she is at the Autumn Court. Each night she dreads the thought of Beron _taking_ what he thinks he owns. "You could," Helion suggests, roguishly smiling at her. _Cauldron_ , when he smiles and talks like that, Allison believes it can happen. It only makes everything a little harder.

"And what about my children?" Allison rebuffs, sinking into his arms. His arms tighten around her, the hard planes of his stomach pressing into her back. "You're risking to go to war with Autumn Court over _me_? I won't leave them with him. Unless you're suggesting you're willing to fight a Court over stealing his wife and children, it can never happen. _We_ can never happen," Allison refuses to let herself and happiness be the reason thousands of soldiers die. It doesn't mean she can't dream about it.

About her, Octavius, Eris, and Julius being taken away from Beron's influence and growing up in a place of light and not treachery. She imagines herself and Helion being wed in a traditional Day Court ceremony, her golden dress sparkling in the sun. She imagines herself and Helion having children together. Somehow, despite children being so rare, Allison found herself having three children spaced close together.

 _Eris would be an amazing big brother,_ she thinks. She _thought_. 

Helion spins her around, hands on her hips as he kisses her. It makes her numb as warm pools in the pits of her stomach. "I love you," Helion whispers. Allison beams at him, "I love you, too." She kisses him back. "One day," He promises. "One day I'll kill him myself," Allison nods, knowing that they _can't_ happen.

They weren't destined to be together. She wishes they were.

When all is said and done, Allison is left with dreams and wishes. She can sometimes feel Helion's fingers ghosting along her skin. The Cauldron had gifted her with part of him, she learns soon after their last meeting.

"Come with me," Helion had said, brushing kisses along her face and neck. He always did. Allison shakes her head, her bones practically vibrating in her body. "I can't—he _knows_ ," Helion freezes, collecting himself the best he can. "What?"

"I came before he could stop me. I... This is goodbye," Allison whispers. Her fingers brush over his sharp cheekbones, through his hair, as her eyes never leave his own. She wants to sob. "We never had a chance. We just happened to fool ourselves into thinking we did." Her eyes dart to the door. Helion grabs her hand. "Please, _please_ , Allison, you can't return," He sounds desperate, knowing what will await her.

Allison sucked in a deep breath. _Octavius, Eris, Julius, Theo, Lyall, and Declan_ , she repeats their names over and over again. Her children. She'd do _anything_ for them. She carried them into this world. She can't choose Helion over them. He begs her not to go. The stories of Beron's cruelty too deep to not worry for her. His eyes glisten as he tells her that he could protect her. That she doesn't have to see Beron or the forsaken Autumn Court again. _No mention of my children_ , she realizes. Helion could help _her_ but not her children. It makes sense. The other Courts would ally with the Autumn Court. It would lead to a bloodbath with one — or both — of them dead.

So, as much as she wants to stay, Allison backs away. "It was never meant to last," She says. She doesn't mean it, though. She and Helion were meant to be together. Not now, though. _One day,_ she thinks as she winnows away.

When Beron approaches her, she keeps her head high. _I will not apologize for loving_ , she thinks as he hurts her. _I will not apologize for your cruelty and inability to love_. Now, all his attention is turned towards her. Guards follow her each time she leaves the Forest House. Each time Beron sees her, he leaves bruises and never fails to mention how _worthless_ she is to him.

All the while, the memories are the only thing she has left. 


End file.
